With just over a week to go until the end of this fast, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Knowing that I cannot have sex or any form of sex is driving me nuts. I find I think about it a lot more these days. And to think I was doing so well the other week.
The phase of feeling super duper close because less time is spent sexing is over. I now feel a bit weird. I'm edgy and irritable and the victim of that emotional mess is my manfriend. Just today I was that weepy, clingy girl who said "stop playing with your guitar and just hang out with me." I could see laid back, cool and sane Zama hovering over me, giving me a side eye.
To be honest, not all this emo mush is because I'm not having sex with a man I want to jump even though he's in my bed. I'm stressed about the move, its that time of the month and a host of other issues. I just wish my cuddles could get naughty and maybe I'd get some release.
This week, we've continued doing Tae Bo together-that way we both get to get some endorphin high together. Its not working brilliantly.
Even as I write this, I sound a bit loony to myself.
On the bright side, I'm still madly in love and still look forward to him stroking my hair until I fall asleep
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
MONSTER
It seems like it's been 100 years since I've had sex. The last few days haven't been as frustrating as the previous weeks and that's mainly because I'm so preoccupied.
We are moving house and the process is proving to be annoying. The only thing more annoying than the process is me.
I've got myself all worked up, crunching numbers, changing my mind about when and where we need to move to. When I stop for a second and think about it, I realise that my stressing wont solve anything but somehow I'm still here.
My boyfriend seems to coping okay this week and that's mainly coz of how I'm being. Let's be honest, who wants to sleep with crazy, stressed out, angry girl? Right now I wouldn't even do me.
I'm trying to calm down, not just because I'm being a shitty person but because I'm starting to feel sick from the stress.
So I'm trusting that all will be well and I will not have to relocate to under a tree somewhere.
We are moving house and the process is proving to be annoying. The only thing more annoying than the process is me.
I've got myself all worked up, crunching numbers, changing my mind about when and where we need to move to. When I stop for a second and think about it, I realise that my stressing wont solve anything but somehow I'm still here.
My boyfriend seems to coping okay this week and that's mainly coz of how I'm being. Let's be honest, who wants to sleep with crazy, stressed out, angry girl? Right now I wouldn't even do me.
I'm trying to calm down, not just because I'm being a shitty person but because I'm starting to feel sick from the stress.
So I'm trusting that all will be well and I will not have to relocate to under a tree somewhere.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The Move Of Love
Today, we continued our search for the place that we will call home for at least the next year. While it's stressful, there is a sense excitement about starting a new chapter, new set of memories to paint on walls that don't know us.
While this isn't the first place that my boyfriend and I will share, its the first place we will be getting together. I moved in to his place with a suitcase and a tummy filled with butterflies and a heart that wasn't sure. A year and a bit later, that apartment, his apartment has become our home. We fell in love in that flat, created a bond that I cherish there. So there is a sense of sadness in leaving but it's time.
Today was yet another reminder that I'm with the person I want to be with. It reminded me about why I love him and why I'm more than happy to continue a life together.
I hope our journey to our new home (which isn't confirmed yet) is a blessed and enjoyable one. I hope it continues to enrich and colour our love story with tales that aren't glossed over fairy tales, but warm, loving, flawed and perfectly imperfect scenarios and hurdles.
Here's to love and finding yet another place to share our love.
While this isn't the first place that my boyfriend and I will share, its the first place we will be getting together. I moved in to his place with a suitcase and a tummy filled with butterflies and a heart that wasn't sure. A year and a bit later, that apartment, his apartment has become our home. We fell in love in that flat, created a bond that I cherish there. So there is a sense of sadness in leaving but it's time.
Today was yet another reminder that I'm with the person I want to be with. It reminded me about why I love him and why I'm more than happy to continue a life together.
I hope our journey to our new home (which isn't confirmed yet) is a blessed and enjoyable one. I hope it continues to enrich and colour our love story with tales that aren't glossed over fairy tales, but warm, loving, flawed and perfectly imperfect scenarios and hurdles.
Here's to love and finding yet another place to share our love.
Friday, August 12, 2011
The Days Keep Rolling
I’ve found new meaning to my mission. Again, I wasn’t looking, I sort of just stumbled onto this fast and what it comes with and yet, the lessons keep showing up. I can’t be certain that all that’s coming my way is directly linked to the fast, but I think it might.
The week has gone by fairly smoothly. I’ve realised that want and need sex far less than I need to be held, cuddled and kissed. This may be common knowledge for a lot of people but it wasn’t for me. Everyone has been well behaved; there have been a lot of jokes made about the lack of sex and a few moments of frustration sprinkled into our everyday lives.
One of the reasons this week has gone by smoother is because we’ve had other bigger, more serious issues to deal with. We just got the news that we have to move house. That means the annoying process of finding a new home, paying a huge deposit and then moving our life. While part of the idea excites me (the home, new chapter), there are other real hurdles to cross.
Moving and its expenses is yet another reminder that I need more money in my life. Stressing about money is one of the many ways I drive myself crazy. So obviously it’s been put on E with this move. So instead of thinking about sex, or lack of it, I had other things to occupy my time.
What the past few days have shown me is that even without sex, my relationship is solid. The intimacy that sex brings isn’t the life line to our shared intimacy. That is a good thing to know for a fact and not one of those “I think…” situations.
While the week has been emotionally draining on quite a few fronts and has had me asking a lot of questions about my relationship, it has also reminded me why I’m here and why I continue to choose to stay.
#stillwinning.
The week has gone by fairly smoothly. I’ve realised that want and need sex far less than I need to be held, cuddled and kissed. This may be common knowledge for a lot of people but it wasn’t for me. Everyone has been well behaved; there have been a lot of jokes made about the lack of sex and a few moments of frustration sprinkled into our everyday lives.
One of the reasons this week has gone by smoother is because we’ve had other bigger, more serious issues to deal with. We just got the news that we have to move house. That means the annoying process of finding a new home, paying a huge deposit and then moving our life. While part of the idea excites me (the home, new chapter), there are other real hurdles to cross.
Moving and its expenses is yet another reminder that I need more money in my life. Stressing about money is one of the many ways I drive myself crazy. So obviously it’s been put on E with this move. So instead of thinking about sex, or lack of it, I had other things to occupy my time.
What the past few days have shown me is that even without sex, my relationship is solid. The intimacy that sex brings isn’t the life line to our shared intimacy. That is a good thing to know for a fact and not one of those “I think…” situations.
While the week has been emotionally draining on quite a few fronts and has had me asking a lot of questions about my relationship, it has also reminded me why I’m here and why I continue to choose to stay.
#stillwinning.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Day 5&6 - the first weekend test
The weekend presents more hurdles to a celibacy fast than I’d anticipated. First hurdle is all that time that we spend lazing around in bed. That’s what makes weekend mornings so glorious. Except that it’s an opportune time to have sex. After a lot of kissing and moaning about not being able to follow my body’s reasonable request, we went about having a very constructive day. That works as a distraction but not a particularly solid one.
Hanging out with friends at a braai was a lot of fun. There’s something a bit weird that happens when I see my boyfriend in public settings – I am reminded why I think he’s so cool. That attraction often leads to me wanting to do things to him. With that off the menu, Saturday night proved to be extremely difficult.
One of the lessons we were hoping to get from this fast was self-discipline. Remembering that when your hormones are charged and there’s a bit of liquor in your system is basically a miracle.
While he was on the verge of failing miserably, I managed to stay strong, steering us in the right direction. I didn’t want to but the last thing I wanted to deal with was post-orgasmic guilt.
Life any well-thought out plan, we do have an emergency button. I don’t want to go into too much detail about it but it doesn’t include us having sex. It had to be whipped out and after a humongous, well-deserved sigh of sexual relief form both of us, we passed out.
I felt like I’d just saved a baby from a hyena.
Sunday was the same but no emergency buttons were pushed but we spent a lot of time just being intimate through talking, kissing and doing other things that serve to remind me that I’m with the right guy.
I’m still feeling hyper in love, very secure and very loved. And weirdly more sexy and more sexual. Let’s see how week two goes!
Hanging out with friends at a braai was a lot of fun. There’s something a bit weird that happens when I see my boyfriend in public settings – I am reminded why I think he’s so cool. That attraction often leads to me wanting to do things to him. With that off the menu, Saturday night proved to be extremely difficult.
One of the lessons we were hoping to get from this fast was self-discipline. Remembering that when your hormones are charged and there’s a bit of liquor in your system is basically a miracle.
While he was on the verge of failing miserably, I managed to stay strong, steering us in the right direction. I didn’t want to but the last thing I wanted to deal with was post-orgasmic guilt.
Life any well-thought out plan, we do have an emergency button. I don’t want to go into too much detail about it but it doesn’t include us having sex. It had to be whipped out and after a humongous, well-deserved sigh of sexual relief form both of us, we passed out.
I felt like I’d just saved a baby from a hyena.
Sunday was the same but no emergency buttons were pushed but we spent a lot of time just being intimate through talking, kissing and doing other things that serve to remind me that I’m with the right guy.
I’m still feeling hyper in love, very secure and very loved. And weirdly more sexy and more sexual. Let’s see how week two goes!
Friday, August 5, 2011
DAY 3 – Could this be more serious than I thought?
When my boyfriend and I started this sex fast, it wasn’t something we took seriously. I didn’t actually think we’d go all the way to 30 days and I didn’t even realise that it would have any sort of real impact (aside from extreme horniness).
So it was a real surprise when on day 2, I started feeling a bit closer to him. I figured it was all a mental thing but lots of small changes seem to be cropping up. A conversation last night had us looking into how big a role sex play in our relationship. Sure we have sex, sometimes lots of sex but I’d never really thought about how much weight we may or may not give it.
We aren’t one of those couples that go without sex when fighting. Our sex life has been without problems but could that be a problem?
So now I’m looking at the fast through semi-new eyes. I’m actually considering that it might may us closer in other ways. Even though this isn’t something I would sign up for indefinitely, I’m interested to see what the benefits are (if there are any) would be.
Even after the deep and insightful conversation, I still wanted to have sex but this time, instead of bitching, moaning and trying to put the moves on my dude, I said my prayers, kissed my man and went to sleep.
#stillwinning (or so I think)
So it was a real surprise when on day 2, I started feeling a bit closer to him. I figured it was all a mental thing but lots of small changes seem to be cropping up. A conversation last night had us looking into how big a role sex play in our relationship. Sure we have sex, sometimes lots of sex but I’d never really thought about how much weight we may or may not give it.
We aren’t one of those couples that go without sex when fighting. Our sex life has been without problems but could that be a problem?
So now I’m looking at the fast through semi-new eyes. I’m actually considering that it might may us closer in other ways. Even though this isn’t something I would sign up for indefinitely, I’m interested to see what the benefits are (if there are any) would be.
Even after the deep and insightful conversation, I still wanted to have sex but this time, instead of bitching, moaning and trying to put the moves on my dude, I said my prayers, kissed my man and went to sleep.
#stillwinning (or so I think)
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Day 2 - wine and celibacy are NOT compatible
Day two, much like day one went by pretty smoothly. Since I rarely get myself hot and bothered at work, celibacy isn’t an issue during the week when I’m away from my partner.
When I went home, I had a couple of glasses of red wine. Red wine has always had the same effect on me; it makes me drunk quickly and makes me really horny. Last night was no different but I only realised how I was self-sabotaging after my second glass.
The wine plus the fact that my boyfriend was being his usual charming, loveable, sexy self, did nothing for my fast.
Bedtime was accompanied by a lot of kissing, loads of “appropriate” (bordering on inappropriate) touching and quite an annoying amount of frustration. I was having internal conversations along the lines of “why am I actually doing this. I could just end it and it will feel sooo good.” I know better though – first off, my man won’t budge (at least not on day 3) and I’m not that weak.
So eventually I dosed off, slept peacefully and woke up feeling the same – damn you hormones and very healthy libido:).
On the flipside, an interesting potential side effect of this celibacy is that I’m feeling more in love. Granted I generally feel in love most of the time but there’s a little some extra that’s happening. I like it. I wonder if it really is linked to the celibacy thing, although it is too early to tell.
When I went home, I had a couple of glasses of red wine. Red wine has always had the same effect on me; it makes me drunk quickly and makes me really horny. Last night was no different but I only realised how I was self-sabotaging after my second glass.
The wine plus the fact that my boyfriend was being his usual charming, loveable, sexy self, did nothing for my fast.
Bedtime was accompanied by a lot of kissing, loads of “appropriate” (bordering on inappropriate) touching and quite an annoying amount of frustration. I was having internal conversations along the lines of “why am I actually doing this. I could just end it and it will feel sooo good.” I know better though – first off, my man won’t budge (at least not on day 3) and I’m not that weak.
So eventually I dosed off, slept peacefully and woke up feeling the same – damn you hormones and very healthy libido:).
On the flipside, an interesting potential side effect of this celibacy is that I’m feeling more in love. Granted I generally feel in love most of the time but there’s a little some extra that’s happening. I like it. I wonder if it really is linked to the celibacy thing, although it is too early to tell.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Day 1 - a walk in the park
30 days without sex doesn’t seem like so much of a big deal. When you’re living together and you have regular, really really really great sex (I speak for myself here), it gets a bit tricky.
When we started speaking about this fast, it was all a joke. Then we figured why not? How hard can it be and surely we are stronger than that. So like with all things, there must be rules. The fast means no sexual play of any kind. No sneaky manual action, no inappropriate boob play, no oral anything (except kisses). So basically no contact with the peen. None! Zero! Nada!. That’s quite a big ask if you ask me but I’ve signed up for this.
Last night was the first night of the fast. It obviously wasn’t impossibly hard but there’s something about ‘forbidden fruit’ that makes it that much more exciting. I was tempted, more than once, to be a seductress. I don’t know why but I wanted to make this experience as difficult as possibly for my boyfriend. When he threatened to make it difficult for me too, I decided that we need to work as a team to make this work.
Bedtime on day one constituted of lots of kissing and talking – I actually loved it. Although we speak all the time, there was something quite intimate about our bedtime chat. I felt warm and fuzzy and it wasn’t induced by any kind of orgasm- so I’m feeling quite good right now. And I slept like a baby.
So day one is done and dusted and proved to be quite a breeze.
DIFFICULTY RATING – 1.5% #winning
When we started speaking about this fast, it was all a joke. Then we figured why not? How hard can it be and surely we are stronger than that. So like with all things, there must be rules. The fast means no sexual play of any kind. No sneaky manual action, no inappropriate boob play, no oral anything (except kisses). So basically no contact with the peen. None! Zero! Nada!. That’s quite a big ask if you ask me but I’ve signed up for this.
Last night was the first night of the fast. It obviously wasn’t impossibly hard but there’s something about ‘forbidden fruit’ that makes it that much more exciting. I was tempted, more than once, to be a seductress. I don’t know why but I wanted to make this experience as difficult as possibly for my boyfriend. When he threatened to make it difficult for me too, I decided that we need to work as a team to make this work.
Bedtime on day one constituted of lots of kissing and talking – I actually loved it. Although we speak all the time, there was something quite intimate about our bedtime chat. I felt warm and fuzzy and it wasn’t induced by any kind of orgasm- so I’m feeling quite good right now. And I slept like a baby.
So day one is done and dusted and proved to be quite a breeze.
DIFFICULTY RATING – 1.5% #winning
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A Season For Fasting
I've become quite notorious at setting up blogs that I never actuall do anything about. Day one starts of with me being very excited about writing about things that have nothing to do with work. By day 3, I've lost interest and am going on with regular life stuff and complaining about how I never get to write.
So this is my attempt to finally change it. I'm trying to be more disciplined, on several fronts. Areas that require discipline:
1. Writing more - even though writing is what I do for a living, I no longer write. Soon I will forget how and then I wont know what to do with myself.
2. Smoking - I smoke too damn much and it's not a good look.
So while I'm learning discipline, my manfriend and I have decided to take fasting to another level. Going without sex for 30 days !
It sounds crazy to me but if nothing else I guess we'll see if we can do it.
So this is my attempt to finally change it. I'm trying to be more disciplined, on several fronts. Areas that require discipline:
1. Writing more - even though writing is what I do for a living, I no longer write. Soon I will forget how and then I wont know what to do with myself.
2. Smoking - I smoke too damn much and it's not a good look.
So while I'm learning discipline, my manfriend and I have decided to take fasting to another level. Going without sex for 30 days !
It sounds crazy to me but if nothing else I guess we'll see if we can do it.
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