The voices in my head VS the words on my screen

I’ve known that I wanted to be a writer since I was a child. It is one of the things that I was immensely drawn to. I have memories of being sprawled on the carpet, taking in millions of words while I allowed the heat from the fireplace to put me in a meditative state. Years later, I get to write for a living which is something I am grateful for. I’ve never had to do any other kind of work, except for a short stint as a promotions girl in university.

What I didn’t know back then when I was lying on my parents’ floor is that writing isn’t for the faint hearted. I didn’t know just how many times I would hear that an article wasn’t good enough; I didn’t know how many hours would be spent questioning my ability and having to write any of my ego issues away. If you’ve ever done some re-writes (and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t), you’ll know that voice of self-doubt that can creep in and almost be paralysing if not exorcised with more writing.

I come to this point many times. Last year sometimes, I complained that I’d lost my voice, I didn’t even know what it sounded like anymore – this can be one of the downsides of working for a big brand with a definite writing pattern. I promised I would hunt for that voice, no matter how many badly written pieces would have to come out of me. I didn’t.

Now, I’m at a new job, still looking for my voice. You would think it’s not that hard to find but it seems to be for me right now. So like I promised myself last year, I will write every day, write stuff that has nothing to do with my work, just ramblings, random thoughts, random bits of writing because writers write right?

The voices in my head VS the words on my screen

I’ve known that I wanted to be a writer since I was a child. It is one of the things that I was immensely drawn to. I have memories of being sprawled on the carpet, taking in millions of words while I allowed the heat from the fireplace to put me in a meditative state. Years later, I get to write for a living which is something I am grateful for. I’ve never had to do any other kind of work, except for a short stint as a promotions girl in university.

What I didn’t know back then when I was lying on my parents’ floor is that writing isn’t for the faint hearted. I didn’t know just how many times I would hear that an article wasn’t good enough; I didn’t know how many hours would be spent questioning my ability and having to write any of my ego issues away. If you’ve ever done some re-writes (and I don’t know anyone who hasn’t), you’ll know that voice of self-doubt that can creep in and almost be paralysing if not exorcised with more writing.

I come to this point many times. Last year sometimes, I complained that I’d lost my voice, I didn’t even know what it sounded like anymore – this can be one of the downsides of working for a big brand with a definite writing pattern. I promised I would hunt for that voice, no matter how many badly written pieces would have to come out of me. I didn’t.

Now, I’m at a new job, still looking for my voice. You would think it’s not that hard to find but it seems to be for me right now. So like I promised myself last year, I will write every day, write stuff that has nothing to do with my work, just ramblings, random thoughts, random bits of writing because writers write right?

Fear of Commitment

I think I fear commitment. Most people around me would probably disagree and it's probably not a statement that's entirely true. But when I look at mys history with blogging, I'm forced to at least entertain the idea of being a commitmentphobe. I always say I'll start and will spew out some sort of post and then I disappear, not looking back. Unlike my relationships where I fully commit until and only leave when it's a wrap , I dont commit here at all. Maybe it's coz I spend most of my days writing and by the time I'm done with my work stuff, I simply don't want to play. I also dont know just how true that is. I think I'm back now, I think so. So instead of commiting to anything, I'll just opt to see - that's usually worked out very well for me. Peace

I Think I Hate The Fast

With just over a week to go until the end of this fast, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Knowing that I cannot have sex or any form of sex is driving me nuts. I find I think about it a lot more these days. And to think I was doing so well the other week.

The phase of feeling super duper close because less time is spent sexing is over. I now feel a bit weird. I'm edgy and irritable and the victim of that emotional mess is my manfriend. Just today I was that weepy, clingy girl who said "stop playing with your guitar and just hang out with me." I could see laid back, cool and sane Zama hovering over me, giving me a side eye.

To be honest, not all this emo mush is because I'm not having sex with a man I want to jump even though he's in my bed. I'm stressed about the move, its that time of the month and a host of other issues. I just wish my cuddles could get naughty and maybe I'd get some release.

This week, we've continued doing Tae Bo together-that way we both get to get some endorphin high together. Its not working brilliantly.

Even as I write this, I sound a bit loony to myself.
On the bright side, I'm still madly in love and still look forward to him stroking my hair until I fall asleep

MONSTER

It seems like it's been 100 years since I've had sex. The last few days haven't been as frustrating as the previous weeks and that's mainly because I'm so preoccupied.
We are moving house and the process is proving to be annoying. The only thing more annoying than the process is me.

I've got myself all worked up, crunching numbers, changing my mind about when and where we need to move to. When I stop for a second and think about it, I realise that my stressing wont solve anything but somehow I'm still here.

My boyfriend seems to coping okay this week and that's mainly coz of how I'm being. Let's be honest, who wants to sleep with crazy, stressed out, angry girl? Right now I wouldn't even do me.

I'm trying to calm down, not just because I'm being a shitty person but because I'm starting to feel sick from the stress.

So I'm trusting that all will be well and I will not have to relocate to under a tree somewhere.

The Move Of Love

Today, we continued our search for the place that we will call home for at least the next year. While it's stressful, there is a sense excitement about starting a new chapter, new set of memories to paint on walls that don't know us.

While this isn't the first place that my boyfriend and I will share, its the first place we will be getting together. I moved in to his place with a suitcase and a tummy filled with butterflies and a heart that wasn't sure. A year and a bit later, that apartment, his apartment has become our home. We fell in love in that flat, created a bond that I cherish there. So there is a sense of sadness in leaving but it's time.

Today was yet another reminder that I'm with the person I want to be with. It reminded me about why I love him and why I'm more than happy to continue a life together.
I hope our journey to our new home (which isn't confirmed yet) is a blessed and enjoyable one. I hope it continues to enrich and colour our love story with tales that aren't glossed over fairy tales, but warm, loving, flawed and perfectly imperfect scenarios and hurdles.

Here's to love and finding yet another place to share our love.

The Days Keep Rolling

I’ve found new meaning to my mission. Again, I wasn’t looking, I sort of just stumbled onto this fast and what it comes with and yet, the lessons keep showing up. I can’t be certain that all that’s coming my way is directly linked to the fast, but I think it might.

The week has gone by fairly smoothly. I’ve realised that want and need sex far less than I need to be held, cuddled and kissed. This may be common knowledge for a lot of people but it wasn’t for me. Everyone has been well behaved; there have been a lot of jokes made about the lack of sex and a few moments of frustration sprinkled into our everyday lives.

One of the reasons this week has gone by smoother is because we’ve had other bigger, more serious issues to deal with. We just got the news that we have to move house. That means the annoying process of finding a new home, paying a huge deposit and then moving our life. While part of the idea excites me (the home, new chapter), there are other real hurdles to cross.

Moving and its expenses is yet another reminder that I need more money in my life. Stressing about money is one of the many ways I drive myself crazy. So obviously it’s been put on E with this move. So instead of thinking about sex, or lack of it, I had other things to occupy my time.

What the past few days have shown me is that even without sex, my relationship is solid. The intimacy that sex brings isn’t the life line to our shared intimacy. That is a good thing to know for a fact and not one of those “I think…” situations.

While the week has been emotionally draining on quite a few fronts and has had me asking a lot of questions about my relationship, it has also reminded me why I’m here and why I continue to choose to stay.

#stillwinning.